for months I've talked myself out of this moment.
I've questioned how to put my thoughts into words. I've convinced myself that it's easier to push things away. you know how the saying goes... "out of site out of mind".
but here we are, attempting to confront whatever it is that's going on inside this mind of mine in a world so different than the one I was in just a year ago.
a world so new to me, that I'm not sure where I belong, who I am, or what I want.
a world so new that I struggle to understand my own thoughts or motives.
mostly, I feel like my brain is covered in a constant heavy fog.
sure, it could be the lack of sleep.. it might be the stress from work, it could be the insecurity of being a new mom. or, it could be that I haven't given myself the time to truly work through what's going on in my head.
this new world consists of being responsible for my incredible daughter's life. it consists of working for an incredibly demanding and busy company, and trying to find a healthy balance of when to shut work off. it consists of this pandemic and my thoughts on it always contradicting one another. it consists of not knowing who I want to be anymore. but worst of all, it consists of me questioning my own authenticity.
for a large majority of my 27 years on this earth, my authenticity is the one thing I've held dear. that one thing that I can say I'm proud of. though, in recent months Ive struggled to find my voice. I've hesitated to speak up for myself in times where I should have stood my ground. I've found myself tip toeing around things to ensure financial security for my family. I've begun to guard my thoughts as if I'm scared of the judgment I would face if I spoke my truth.
even now, as I sit here typing this out my heart is unsure. do we need to go back and check what we've said to make sure it should be said? do we need to just push the pause button on this whole working through our thoughts thing?
it really is such an incredible thing, the ability for your mind to cause you so much pain. the ability to create situations in your mind that might not ever happen, but just the fear of it consumes you enough to leave you debilitated.
so now I ask myself, do I let my anxiety get the best of me? or do I just say fuck it and work on finding my voice again? for now I'll take it one day at a time, I'll go through these winter months trying every day to give myself a break. and hoping that by the time spring rolls around I'll be more confident and sure of who I am.
I think that this is just a lesson that life is always throwing my way, the ability to question who I am. maybe it's a sign that I'm growing, while going through these dark and moody times in order to find a truer version of myself.
to anyone who thinks you're alone in not knowing who you are, I'm here.
until next time.
xoxo
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