song "vienna" by billy joel
There have been a few moments in my life where I've experienced a clear, un-ignorable realization. it's like a pounding on the door to wake the fuck up, but it shows up in the form of a knot in my stomach. One that grows for weeks, sometimes months, before I can't brush it off anymore. these knots get so out of control that I can feel it eating away at me. and eventually, I can't stand it anymore so I'm forced to sit with myself and accept what it is that I need to change.
this one grew slowly. it stopped by for short visits from time to time but in the past few months it has started showing up daily, then hourly, and now it's consuming me.
my current predicament is tricky because option 1: I chose myself, my happiness, my sanity and leave my current situation- but I'll be faced with a painful disturbance in my family life. Option 2: I stay where I am and hope that things get better, while also feeling like I've betrayed myself. like I've left me on the side of the road and driven away.
in my past, I've been very good about leaving the places that no longer suite me. if you've read any of my previous posts I mention that a few times. but this time, I have a little girl who depends on me. I have family connects to the place I'm no longer happy, I have a sister who in the past few years I've grown incredibly close to, and if I chose to leave I risk loosing that.
I know for growth there will be moments in life where I'm extremely uncomfortable. And usually if I stay true to what I know is right for me, I end up in a good place. it's clear to me that I need to learn to set boundaries. it's clear to me that I need to prioritize the important things to me. and it's even more clear to me that it's time to move onto the next thing.
how do you strategically leave a place that simultaneously makes you sick while also creating so many opportunities to learn new things? how do I say goodbye to a job that intrigues the hell out of me, one that constantly challenges my brain?
that part I haven't figure out, but sooner or later the day will come where I have to go and choose environments that are best for me. and I believe that day is coming soon.
until next time
xoxo
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