quiet, something that many people aren't able to obtain. whether it's the distractions from the outside world, or your inner thoughts.. does your mind ever stop?
personally, I have yet to be able to achieve the beauty of silence.
my mind is constantly swerving through the traffic of my thoughts.
it's like I'm behind the wheel of the fastest car on earth, just racing down the interstate weaving in and out, almost rear ending cars but jumping into the next lane just in time.
And then, immediately I'm stopped in bumper to bumper traffic, fogged, tired, and confused.
I think it has a lot to do with neglecting myself. failing to prioritize my inner thoughts, and letting it get so out of control that I just can't function. I start the mental abuse with myself, the nervous breakdowns begin, the negative inner dialogue returns from a brief vacation, and I jump at everything. I start picking myself apart, cell by cell, thought by thought, feature by feature. I work myself into this state of panic, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. my chest tightens, emotionally and physically. my ego comes back and feels attacked by every human interaction.. every look, statement, and word feels like a jab at my heart.
it's pretty strange to be able to acknowledge these feelings, and still take full responsibility for them. it would be so much easier to blame it on anything or anyone else. my outbursts could be blamed on a shit day at work, they could be blamed on a stranger being rude, they could be because a family member annoyed me. whatever the excuse, it's easier than accepting the real cause, the real reason I've been having an emotionally hard time. its all because I put myself on the back burner, I haven't prioritized what is important to me. I haven't made the time to accept what it is that I need, in order to be the person I want to be.
it seems so obvious to some, who they are, why they are the way that they are. some people aren't affected when they lash out at people. many people think its their right to be able to talk to others a certain way. few people don't even bat an eye when they've hurt someone. for me? I drown myself in guilt. I joke about the jewish guilt running deep in our family, but really its just a "me" thing. I don't like being a mean person, I don't enjoy putting people down, I hurt when I hurt someone, like an all-consuming heartache kind of hurt. just typing this out, imagining how I feel when I've hurt someone has tightened my chest. tight enough, that I need to do some breathing exercises to continue.
breath work is such a key part of my life. I'm constantly reminding myself to breath. "in.. one, two, three, four.. out, one, two, three, four... okay in..." over and over in my mind. the only time I'm able to escape it is when I've taken a day to myself. there is one day a week, that I try very hard to just be with myself. I rarely answer a phone call, I leave my phone on silent, ill take a walk through the woods with the puppies, ill lay on my couch for an afternoon.. reading a book, watching the movements of my backyard. today was a day like that. I woke up at 11, cleaned up the house, laid with the pups while watching a movie, showered, sexted my husband, and now here I am. expressing myself. my whole self, without any doubts or concerns.
as I've grown further into my twenties, now on the later side of them I've been fortunate enough to change my inner dialogue. I used to destroy myself, i could turn any piece of me into a fault. it could be a physical attribute, or a personalty trait. every single part of me wasn't worthy. but what a beautiful transition, growth can bring. what a fresh breathe of air, a weight off of your shoulders, a calm acceptance. a realization that I'm just as human as the next person. just as much of a piece of work as the strangers in the room with you. a beautiful, bold, chaotic, loud, and emotional piece of work. but a piece of work, none the less.
I won't assume anything for anyone, but if this speaks to you. on any level, I'm sending you all of the love and healing vibes I can. you are enough. you are perfectly yourself. you are strong. you are love.
it's an insanely powerful feeling to actually love yourself. so much that you're ok owning who you are. you're ok, setting boundaries to allow you to always be the person you want to be. you've survived the years of self-doubt, the years of reasoning, the years of feeling like you need to explain yourself.
don't get me wrong, you'll still have brief encounters with the old you. you'll still be triggered to react like the old you. but if you're able to recognize it, if you're able to figure out what caused it, and you're willing to work on it next time. then you've made it my friend.
I love you.
xoxo,
me.
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