For my entire life, I've struggled with an extreme amount of anxiety around money.
It stems back to my childhood. You see, my parents were babies having babies. They never gave themselves the opportunity to grow up and be financially responsible. They also, never gave themselves the opportunity to figure out who they were as individuals (but that's another story).
I can remember fights and financial struggle from a very young age. I can remember what it was like watching my parents work themselves to death and not have the energy or ability to be present with us as kids. I remember having to go to our grandparents for hot showers and dinners. I remember surviving off of pickle sandwiches (ya ya, judge all you want- put get yourself some bread, mayo, pickles, slap it together and then come for me) because those are the only food items we consistently had on hand. I remember one Christmas in middle school, my parents searched high and low for used miss-me jeans because I had to have them like everyone else. Christmas came, and I opened them so excited.. but quickly noticed they were 2 sizes too small. I set them down and said "they're the wrong size", my dad yelled at me to "just try them on", and when I refused it escalated to my dad crying and throwing pans across the room. I should probably jump in here and say that I don't hold any judgement towards them for this. They tried, holy shit did they try. And now, as a mom and an adult who is financially responsible for our home, I can definitely understand how stressed they were.
All of this to say, due to our circumstances, I ended up developing an incredibly toxic relationship with money and work.
I started working when I was 12 as a babysitter, and then at 15 in a bakery (I stayed here rotating between full time and part time for 10 years), and until now, I can't remember a time that I've ever worked one job. The amount of jobs I've had has become a joke amongst family and friend. I've served tables, I've nannied, I've worked in a staffing agency, I've worked as a high school lunch lady, I've worked in operations, I've worked as an assistant, I've worked data entry, I've worked for assholes, I've worked for incredibly nice people. I've done everything, except work on myself. Recently I took a job that would be the jackpot of all jobs. I took a job working for a custom home builder, with an opportunity for benefits, monthly bonus', real estate commission, a higher pay, and a wealth of knowledge. What I've experienced since accepting this job is disappointment. Disappointment in broken promises, disappointment in boundaries, disappointment in empathy, and disappointment in myself for staying. For as many jobs as I've had, I've always held my own and left a job when I was not longer happy there. But now, in this chapter of my life it seems like a much more difficult task.
Primarily because, the job that I took.. is working for my brother-in-law and his dad. A job, mind you.. that I was trying to secure for 4+ years. A job, that when I leave will cause a ripple in my relationships. And not just a "We're a little disappointed" ripple, a ripple that I fear will tear my sister, nieces, and nephews out of our lives.
The worst part is, I know what the right decision is. But, for the past few weeks I've held my palms open weighing which option is the best one.
Option 1: Leave
PROS- you'll be happier, I'll be able to WFH, I'll have the flexibility a working mom needs, your life will be more balanced, You'll be able to have a few side gigs that feed my soul, freedom, healthy work environment
CONS- You could loose the relationship with your sister, and your daughter's cousins. You could end up regretting leaving this position. You won't have benefits.
Option 2: Stay
PROS- you'll have benefits and reliable paychecks
CONS- you remain miserable five days a week, you don't get to see your daughter every day, you'll remain overworked and under appreciated, you'll be so stressed out that you can't hold conversations when you get home, you'll continue to be upset with yourself for not prioritizing your family and mental health, you'll continue being talked down to like your less than, you will continue to be consumed by work.
Obviously the right decision is to leave. And fortunately, I've finally been able to accept that. But the risk of loosing my sister just keeps pulling me back to "Dealing with it".
Wish me luck.
xoxo
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