* song of choice: Glory Strums by Hiss Golden Messenger
what a season this has been. a long, heavy, exhausting, incredible season of life that's continuing to unfold, with shiny silver linings glistening in across your view. these tiny, incredibly beautiful moments in a world covered by fog.
its like the more little glimmers you allow to fill your day the lighter things become. you're able to take the extra minute to breath and appreciate the life you're living. your able to be fully present, dancing in the kitchen with your husband and daughter, with the pups cheering us on. your able to see all of the insane blessings you have, and really acknowledge how dark of season this has been and how far you've come. it's the time that I'm finally in a place safe enough to slow down a little bit and be more present.
side note: we specifically decided not to add an island to our kitchen JUST because of our daily kitchen dances. this is one of those daily rituals that I pray to all of the higher powers never, ever ends.
the past three years of my life have been incredibly challenging. its been like my head has had this intense thunderstorm rolling through it. at all times, a fogged sky with constant rumbling of the to-do's, what if's, oh shit's, and are they breathings? of course, there are moments when all is happy and incredible, but there are also the hardest strikes of lightening you've ever seen- jolting you into a panicked fear, or making you feel like you're failing everyone around you, and sometimes soul destroying breakdowns about not knowing yourself.
motherhood is the most incredible, rewarding, beautiful, raw part of my life. every day I look at my daughter and my entire world mutes. I see the curls on the side of her head, I notice the crinkles in her nose when she's being silly, I see the love she has for her puppies and can't help but love her a little more each time. it's something I wish for everyone who wants it to be able to experience it. she is the love in our lives, the giggle in our home, the endless entertainment, and the only messes that make me smile.
as of lately, it's been so refreshing to constantly remind myself how blessed I really am. for so many reasons these past few weeks of trying to remain more present have been so healing to me. I've be able to begin switching the conversations in my mind to good ones. I've been able to remember to eat, and drink water. I've actually stopped working 20 out of the 24 hours in a day. I've embraced that right now, I need those mornings to pause and collect rather than run to my computer completing tasks.
the life that I'm currently living is one I've dreamt of, out loud, for years and years. its the one I told myself I was capable of long before I knew what my future looked like. one where I had it all. the one where some people knew me as a hard working woman, others knew me as only family members truly do, some knew me as a mom, and a few as a friend. I grew up learning a lot by watching the women in front of me. I had crazy successful business women who always seemed to be forcing the smile to mask their pains. I watched women who comletely lost themselves along the road to life.. I watched some walk from one life and jump into another one so fast that they never took that second chance to find themselves. i've watched one walk away from everything and anyone that clouded her calmness.
each one of them showed me a glimpse of who I might become and what path lies ahead. but rather than follow one, I decided to start making some small decisionssomewhere along the way. decisions that allowed me to jump into each of the categories I wanted to be. sometimes things worked out, sometimes things snowballed to point of a panic attack, sometimes things failed hard and I questioned my decisions for months afterwards. but lately... lately it's been this slow drive through the middle of nowhere with a few bumps In the road, and about 3 flat tires.
my silver linings percentage is quickly catching up to my fogged thunderstorms. my days slowly becoming filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. it's been such a beautiful season to be experiencing.
my goal for the next foreseeable future is to get to a place with fewer flat tires, more laughs, more moments admiring my daughters exploration, any many many more kitchen dance parties.
all of this to say, I'm very much looking forward to this next chapter of our stories.
with all of the love,
xoxo
me
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