the past couple of days have been rough.
you know, those type of days where you're just down. the curled up on the couch with all of the feels, kind of down.
this time of year is always a tough transition for me. from the ease of summer into the moody and dark winter months. don't get me wrong I love the darkness of winter and the cleansing energy it brings with it. it's a time where nature reminds you to shed what is no longer serving you, and look forward to the beautiful growth that spring will bring us. it's just the time in between where I struggle.
it started a few mornings ago.. I woke up and felt weak. as I forced myself to stumble out of bed, I pick my daughter up from the bassinet and I slowly walked downstairs.. all of my mornings with her in the past I'm so eager to wake up and love on her, but that morning.. it was different. I just felt.. well, honestly I didn't feel anything at all.. "meh" would be the best way to explain it. I snuggled with Luna for thirty minutes or so, I fed her, I changed her diaper, and then she was ready to sleep.. this is usually when I'm able to pump, get some work done, or pick up around the house.. but instead I just slept while she did.
I had absolutely no motivation at all to do anything. I laid on the couch getting up from time to time as Luna woke. i'd feed her, change her, talk to her, and snuggle. but the second she fell back asleep, I was back to laying down, curled up next to all of my babies.
and then it hit me.. my seasonal depression was back, self diagnosed of course. but, it's no secret that this dark friend of mine likes to make an appearance every year around this time. usually I welcome the darkness, I accept that its going to be rough couple of months.. and I try to force myself to stay busy enough to get through it. but this year it's different. this year my daughter is here. she came into the world right in the beginning of my decline. and of course, she brightened everything up, I mean exponentially brightened my world. she is the most incredible human I've ever laid my eyes on. when I look at her my heart literally explodes.
she has been an incredible distraction during this time. but every few days I seem to have a moment of darkness, one that is intense enough that I break down in tears. one that I feel the need to lash out on Justin. one that makes me storm off to my room, laying in bed, crying, and telling Justin to fuck off. super healthy, I know I know.
it's pretty common for people to struggle in the period of time after their child arrives, its an emotionally rough place to be. your hormones make most of your emotions run wild, you're getting used to this new body of yours, you're lacking a painful amount of sleep and nutrition, and your stress levels are ridiculously high. I'm not sure if the reason I'm nervous to welcome the darkness this year has to do with my daughter, or if it is more to do with the fact that welcoming fear seems like a normal thing to do these days.
until next time,
xoxo
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